So it has been a long while since I blogged last. Actually Sept. 30, 2012 to be exact. I was talking briefly to a friend of mine this past week, and I had told her that I hadn’t written in a VERY long time. Her response was simple and poignant. “You need to, or you will lose yourself”. I love writing. Am I good at it? I think so. Do I love it? Absolutely! I feel wonderful when I write. I always have. Writing, sketching, cooking and reading have to be some of my all time favorite things to do… and ANYTHING to do with horses <3
With my life as a mother of 4, it’s hard to find time to squeeze anything in, writing in particular. I find that I’ll start writing, get the perfect train of thought and the shout of “Mommy!” quickly derails the creative train. After much thought though, I have decided that I HAVE to MAKE time. This means that I will probably be trying to get up long before my early birds do! It is so easy to lose yourself when you are a mom. You get so caught up in taking care of everyone and everything that you lose you. You take on so many identities. You get so wrapped up in everyone and everything around you that you can have the tendency to lose yourself.
I’m not saying that this always happens. More often then not though, if you were to sit a mom down… maybe over a cup of coffee and some childless silence… and ask her what she enjoys doing, what she would spend her time doing if she could, ask her what her passion is. You would probably get a moment of blank stares. I know my husband has asked me, and my answers aren’t immediate. He has asked me before, and I sat there for a moment, then started stumbling over my words. Hemming and hawing over what to say. What would I do? I really didn’t know for a long time. Is this my total life passion? I’m not sure it is, but I sure love doing it, and it makes me happy! So guess what…. I am going to do it! I want to, and I need to!
“But here’s what I’ve come to find in the few years since I’ve rediscovered my love of writing: Practicing this craft, and letting my love for it pour out on the paper and the screen,multiplies my love for my kids and my spouse. Much like having another baby enlarges your heart, exercising the gift and the passion I’ve been given makes me a better lover, not worse.”
I cannot tell you how my heart has grown with each of my children. You think to yourself “I love them so much I think I could explode.” Then another little one comes along, and you had no idea your heart could grow more. Much like the Grinch’s heart grew on the cartoon, and exploded out of the “mold”. My heart has grown, expanding each time with my love for my kids. Each time I didn’t think I could love my kids any more than I already did. Then it happened, and I did.
So how could taking/making time to do things I love be a detriment to my family? If I hone what I love, then I will have more love to give. I feel that it is a very similar principle to getting things off your chest. If you hold things in, you can become bitter, sad…. lonely. If you let it out, talk it out, vent… you will feel better. Your spirit can flourish. Your heart can breath. You mind will be clear. Instead of tangle up in negative thoughts that can bring you down.
Our talents are the same. If you hold them in, squelch them, bury them…. you will wilt. Your heart will droop, and feel sad. You may even become bitter. If you take the time…. no, MAKE the time…. for you… for you gifts… for you talents. Your heart will have room to breathe, room to flourish. You will have room for more love, more creativity, more growth and more passion. You will never know what you are capable of if don’t you give yourself room…. room to be you.
So, as I sit here…. 4 kids, ages 1 to 10. My youngest is asleep, the three older ones are playing happily… for the moment! ….on the living room floor. I am taking time for me. To write. To create…. maybe even to uplift. I am vowing to try and do this at least 5 times a week. I know that I will probably miss some days, but I am going to do my very best. I need to. I have to.
My recovery from the birth, and then my surgery, has been tough. It was a long road, and there are still days where I struggle with pain from it, but I am slowly getting back to myself. Making time for me. I am cooking so much more again. I am creating new recipes, honing current ones. Nothing makes me feel better and more alive than taking time to do what I love.
So, with that said…. go out… create, cook, love, teach, sing, build, fix…. do whatever it is that you need to do…. do what was put in your heart to do. The gift you were given, was given to you for a reason. Share it. Bless others. Bless yourself. Never give up on yourself or your talents. You ARE worth it!